Here Janet and I were at the mall, looking at this and that. I was glad that we had stopped off at the apartment first, a change of clothing was required most of all my other bank card too. I called this my shopping card!


At this point, we had several outfits for me to try on, and I had not spent a dime. After walking out of that shop, I had three pairs of jeans and two tops, that total came to 75.86. Then we went to this place that had pictures, statues and this and that. We spent a good thirty minutes there, and we left with nothing. It is funny how my shopping style versus hers is so very different. Janet likes to browse at each shop, where I have a map and a layout of the store. I am in and out in record time. Then we came to a baby clothing and supplies store. That we were there for so long. I started to count how many times I heard, ‘oh look at this it is so cute, adorable, and just perfect.’ 324 times and, we were there close to forty minutes. Between Janet and myself, we spent 89 dollars, and every dime was worth it. Among our browsing, we came across a computer store. Out of interest, I walk in there.


I asked the worker a question about the different programs that are available to those with sight impairments. Things like programs that one can speak and what is said it is typed out. A program that will read documents, things like that. Listening to the gentleman, I knew that even if I could get the dinosaur from my old apartment, the programs that he was talking about would not work with the beast. I would need to invest money into getting a whole new computer. I tried to leave the store, but the guy was kind of insistent on showing off the laptops that would best help with the kind of programs that I was speaking of. I know I would have made this guys day if I had brought the product that he was trying to sell. The thing is, purchases like this are not something I like to just throw money on. The programs plus the laptop that will run up to three thousand dollars if not more. It was not like I did not have the money, I did! Other priorities have crossed my mind that I had to take into consideration first. I told the guy that I had to think about this first, which I think he was kind of disappointed but understanding too. Outside the store, Janet inquired to why I wanted a new laptop with the programs that I was talking about.


It crossed my mind that with my current situation computer designing was going to be an issue. The plan was to go back to HD designing. The other thing I was writing. Both paths, at the moment, is not achievable, but with specific programs, it still can be done. We continued to do some more browsing, it was nearing dinner time when Janet decided it was time to go back home. I handed my phone over to her so she could get a hold of Albert.


When Albert had come to the mall to get Janet, I asked if it would be okay with them to hide the baby clothes at their place. They were about to offer me a ride to Peters and Crystal’s place. I said I was not going back there. I was not going to stay in there place. I was going to find a nice hotel and stay there for the time being. My gut told me things would be fine staying at the apartment, my mind was not okay with it. I wanted to learn from Brianne, plus gather information! If there is not something new to learn, maybe there is something I can teach Brianne and her friends.

Albert told me to hop in, that he knew of a place, he actually was friends with the owner. Agreeing with this I got into the van. Albert told me that there was a small restaurant that is part of the hotel. Once he said that Janet knew where we were going, she uttered the name Harald’s. Which Janet thoughts were confirmed. It was kind of on the way to their house, but instead of going straight, we turned right and drove for another two minutes. I have to say I had no idea that this place was here. Janet noted that Harald was a long-time friend of theirs. They had known Harald for close to thirty years, and he was a really nice man. With owning this hotel and the hobby farm, he was well off.


Albert got out of the van first and said that he would talk to Harold first. I put my foot on the ground was crap I forgot to buy smokes. I guess what I had been thinking came out of my mouth, Janet handed me a pack of cigarettes and said that Albert will never miss them. I knew that he would, I would just pass him a ten-dollar bill, and we would call it even. After what felt like forever, Albert came out and asked me how long I planned on staying, a month is what I figure would take to get things on the right path. Albert was just about to go back into the building when he noticed his pack of smokes in my hand. He was just about to say something when Janet told him that he would not miss them. That is when Albert told me that I could keep them and went into the building again.


Soon afterwards, Albert was out and handing me keys. He told me that I would be staying in unit 1, just around the corner. My stay would be a week for now until proper living arrangements could be made. If need be the stay can and will be extended. All meals had been arranged as well, so I had nothing to worry about, I just had to say that I was Harald’s guest, and food would be brought out to me. If there was anything else to give them a call. Albert was more than happy to put the house number into my phone. While he was doing that, I asked if he would send a message to Peter telling him what was going on. As always Albert was one step ahead of me, while he was making arrangements for me, he was on the phone with Peter. Then came my next question, I asked him if there was a message on my phone that was from an unknown person. As he was looking at my phone, his aura started to change, bits and pieces of hot flashes began to come off his body.


Now, why would anyone send this to you? It was a tone of voice I remember from my time with living with them as a young child. This was I am angry, and you have no idea what is going to happen tone. He repeated himself again, this time more irritated than before. I waited for him to read the message when Janet asked what did it say. “Hope is dead, and so are you.” The keys fell out of my hands. I picked them up. I told them that they are trying to rattle my nerves. And that I was going to be alright. They both gave me a hug and kiss before they left. I got my bag of clothing from the van and started to head to the first door around the corner.


From there, it was pretty easy to get around. It was basic, the light switch was beside the door. Far-right there was a dresser with a microwave and coffee maker on top of the dresser. Middle of the room was the bed. To the left was a washroom. Near the washroom door was another door leading out to a hallway. Judging the nose level, I would say it was the way to the restaurant.


Putting the clothing away, then I went to the restaurant. I sat down and just as I was getting myself situated a person came up to my table, he introduced himself as Harald. We shook hands, and he informed me that Albert had told him about my situation. Adding to that he mentioned how he saw me smoking outside with Albert, this was a smoke-free location and, asked me to only smoke outside. That was something that I had no issues with. Another person came to the table, which was introduced as Jen. She was a full-time worker at this establishment. She was told that I would be here for a while and to be nice to me.


Jen stood at the table and was waiting for me to place my order and waited for the food to arrive. While waiting for the food, I listened to the conversations that were going on. For the most part, it was middle-aged men talking about the good old days. Smiling to myself picturing what they were talking about. It was no different than my age group, boys chasing skirts, drinking parties just being young and careless. In a way, I think that is needed. Kids are never told how serious and hard things are. It is memories like this that allow the individuals or group to laugh at how silly they had been at one point in time. Kids are not told to hold on to the happy moments, there are more struggles in life and happiness comes here and there. Being able to laugh is the best way to get through hard times. I can not even remember the last time I was really truly happy. I tried to remember the last time I was truly happy? When I felt loved and safe? The volcano exploded with all the thinking I was doing. What a sad existence I live!


Dinner came and went! Over and over again, I repeated to myself ‘what am I going to do?’ There was such a black hole where plans and thoughts were to be. For once in my life, I had no ideas, not a strategy nor an inkling of how to get things started. So I did what I do best when I feel lost. Meditation 101! I started with the 25 steps of Tai Chi. To relax the mind, I needed to relax the body. If anyone was watching me from there hotel room, I must have looked funny outside going from one step to another. When I do this, it is more private and less chance of anyone being able to see me. Well, the room I have acquired was too small, so outside I had to go. First off, the ground was off-balance to me. Meaning the land was not flat, so that was a challenge for me. With time I found my footing, and I was repeating the 25 steps over and over again. Then there was the second thing to the meditation aspect. Sitting in silence! That would be a wee bit of an issue considering that this place was still very much alive with activity.


I sat on the bed with my legs crossed, getting my arms into a relaxed position. I tried to zone everything out. My phone started to ring! It was not the ring tone for Peter nor Crystal, so I just let it continue to ring. Back to zoning everything out. There was a thud! Following with cursing and yelling. That

died down, back to what I was trying to do. My phone rang again … by this time I came to the realization, meditation rate now was not going to come to me. So I went out for a walk … and yes I left the phone where it belonged … in the hotel room. Was I annoyed … just a little, but I also had to acknowledge that it was still early in the evening so things would not be quiet. I walked down the road, and I just kept on walking. Where I was going … not a clue, but I was walking. I made sure that I was walking against the traffic, well because there was no sidewalk, it was good old gravel. It made me realize that the running shoes that I bought two possible three years ago the souls were starting to wear down. Not today or this week but soon, I did need to think about getting a new pair of sneakers.
It dawned on me for such an isolated location how busy this road strip was. With maybe ten minutes of walking, six vehicles have passed me, going in another direction. That was pretty impressive to me. Perhaps this was a cheat route to get to work or home, depending on the individual’s work schedule. And the grass here, it was like the height of me. I know I have lived in the city too long when this excites me. Who knew that grass could get to be so high. How sad is this, when it dawns on me, someone that is to be smart and educated is in ‘OWW’ over the height of the grass. How much do I actually see? Things that I do not see in the city out here, and it is not even a thirty-minute drive out of the city. If I listen very carefully, I can hear the faint sounds of sirens. I have been missing this, and it was in my own back yard. Oh yeah, I did see the grass of equal length in magazines and online. It just is not the same as seeing it face to face. And the birds, there are so many birds. I know, I know … go to the parks, and you can see all the ducks and birds. It is just not the same! Here it is so much more peaceful and open. A park, well I do not know how to adequately describe it but cramped. There just does not seem to be the same space and roominess, as it is here.


I could hit the trails, those are paved! Nothing wrong with that, it allows everyone to utilize the path to the fullest. But an actual trail that you have to climb, dirt, avoid tree roots and so on, that is more of hiking to me than a paved path. This is the kind of feeling I had walking down this gravel side road. It was like being on a hiking trail … minus the tree roots and other things. The point is the feeling was the same. Even the air was different! It was not so stale like in the city. With each breath I would take it would suffocate me, slowly smothering me, not allowing fresh air to enter my lungs. Here each breath of air was refreshing and new. I have never thought of myself as uneducated nor ignorant … until now!
Pretty much a hop skip and a jump and the world around me are different. I have pretty much lived in the city for 2/3s of my life, I have been missing this. I had only dreamt of places like this. Never dreaming that they still existed, just a long-forgotten way of living. Always staying confined to the small life and mind frame. Never daring to step out of what I had only known. This is what I guess happens when you do not travel and stay put. I have spent all of my adulthood up to date hiding. This has to change! The hiking trails that I saw online, I wonder if there is anything like that out here? Not the ones that I walked on in the city but the actual trail.


I got to the corner, which if I turned left it would head me back to the city, the right would take me to Alberts and Janets home! The sun was pretty much-saying goodnight to the day. I turned myself around and headed back to the hotel again. Coming to a conclusion, I need a new makeover, one that suits my personality. Just like a computer, I needed to upgrade my mind! The latest fashion changes every year, how I present myself could use a bit of changing as well! First, I need to figure out what I need and what I want … who do I ask for help?


Safety equals hiding, less equal lots, open-minded equals respect, keep to myself equal no one gets hurt. And yet I totally missed this aspect of life, comfort equals happiness. Hands down, I am miserable! And it has nothing to do with those that I truly trust. It has to do with the fact I do not have any peace what so ever. The entities are hands down exhausting they are interfering with what I want to do. But what is it that I want to do? What I have been doing but more of it!


I just have to first get out of my way fear! That fears name are the entities that have been attacking me routinely! I have no idea how to battle them. Seriously how do you battle something that others can not see, yet they can cause bodily harm? They do not fear anything that I know of … religion, they laugh … threatening them, they laugh … I am lost at what to do! The fact is I am physical, mentally and spiritually worn out! Yes, I have Peter, Crystal, Albert and Janet in my corner rooting for me. In the end, I am the target. The worst part is, if I admit to it, I know why they are after me. For me to share what they are after and why … that would mean I would have to tell the truth. I am not ready to reveal to that!


Willing my mind to just listen to the sound of the creatures and insects of the area. Thinking of nothing and allowing my mind to be still. It was dark out by the time I got back to my room. Sitting down on the edge of the bed it came to my mind. How messed up I really am! I took off my shoes and clothing and got under the blankets. I do not want to think anymore. I did not want to feel anymore. All I wanted to do was sleep!

I have not a clue what time it was when I heard my phone go off. All I could hear were the crickets rubbing their legs together and the frogs’ croaking. I lied there with my eyes open for some time recounting my last dream.
It started off like this …

Standing in the middle of a circle made up of doors. Behind me was a door, my south. Both sides the same, a door, left will be West and right East. In front of me, there was a door, but it had no keyhole nor a knob, that was placed at my North. In the middle of these doors was another door, so altogether there were eight doors. I looked down, and I was standing in a circle of its own. There was a path from the circle I was standing in, to each of these doors. Surrounding me was pitch black darkness. The figure of a lady was standing behind me and asked me, “what door would I go to?” I am going to call her Willow because her hair was long and appeared wet dangling to her hip. And for some odd reason, she had leaves in her hair that looked like the leaves from a willow tree. She was wearing a dress that was close to her figure, I could not tell if the dress was white or blue, she had an aura that I had not seen before. She might have had the features of a human, I just got a feeling she was not human. Her eyes … they were like an animal that can see during the night time. Her skin was different from anything that I have ever seen before. The colour of like the mixed greys, to be honest, the first thing that crossed my mind was stone. I would bet that if she took off the clothing the dress, I guarantee she would blend in with the surroundings perfectly.


North was out of the question, there was something about that door that scared me. I looked at each door … there was nothing wrong with the doors, I just could not move to any of them. I am sure that where ever they lead to was great for them, but it was not for me. I kept on looking at North, it was like I was waiting for the door to creak open and, something would jump out at me.
Then there was a blue light in the far distance, between the doors of the West and North, but closer to North. I pointed to the blue light and said, “that is where I am going to go.” A hand was placed on my head and the word ringing in my ear, “never open the door with no handle.” And that is when my phone went off. If there were any time I believed I could fly, this would have been the moment!

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