“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”
― Franz Kafka
Now let us jump to bedtime and people are getting ready for bed. Seems like a normal quiet night, roomie is snoring the three of us are having a hard time sleeping. Finally, I take my pillow and blanket and go into the hallway. This way, the broken-down engine might not bother me as much. In just might get some sleep. The floor was so much colder and uncomfortable, but the noise was not as loud.
I was just about to fall asleep when I felt a light tap on my shoulder and someone telling me I needed to go back to my bed. I did not open my eyes to see who it was, in an exasperated voice, I said I can not sleep with the broken down engine snoring.
She was very persistent and even started to help me get off the floor, that is when I opened my eyes to see who was touching me. A nurse, I would have to say that she was about 35 possible 40. A very caring and kind soul. She was new to this realm, possibly dead 6 to 12 months. I got the feeling that she had worked here at one point. Her death was sudden and not expected. I also got the feeling that she was very dedicated to her patients care and well being. I saw her motion her head to look over her shoulder. It was as if she knew that someone or thing was coming.
I got up off the floor and went back to my bed. At least the roomie had stopped her snoring, and the other two were fast asleep. I was just about to lie down in bed when nurse B came storming into the room. In a low, harsh voice, she was like, “why are you not asleep?” I pointed to the roomie with the broken down engine and said she was snoring so loud the dead are now awake. Nurse B looked at the roomie and was like, “well, she is not making noise now, get to sleep.” I felt like telling her ‘no, I want to stay up all night long and have a party for one.’ But I was too tired to be rude and ignorant. Though I did have the pleasure of watching the spirit nurse stick out her foot and trip nurse B. That was sweet revenge, in my opinion. When it happened, I said softly, “troubles walking!” I guess nurse B did not hear me because she wanted to know what I said, so I said, “goodnight!” I closed my eyes and finally got some sleep.
It does happen, not often, but it does happen, I slept in. So late that I was the last one up. The roomie that was doing all the noise-making was like “wow this is not like you. You are always the first one up, trouble sleeping?” What I was thinking was not what I said. It is not her fault that she snores like a banshee screaming in the night. But oh my god did I so want to say what was on my mind. I rubbed my eyes, stretched and said, “yeah! You were snoring for a long time.” She apologized, saying that she did not mean to. That the next time that happens, just push her onto her side. That is what her husband does when he could not take any more. Positively nodding my head, I got up for my morning shower. I was kind of thrown off to see the ladies waiting in line for the shower. I was like, “oh, I am sorry I took so long!” The lady next to go in was like “Ummm you were actually fast, no time at all!” The other one of the other girls were like, “I love having a shower in the morning. After watching you all those mornings and how much energy you have, I thought I would give it a try. I feel great!” I smiled and said, “oh!” Write this one down in the books, I did not know what else to say. Yes me! I was stumped!
Here I am sitting at the group meeting, in a semi-circle, thinking how am I going to be nice, honest without losing my mind. At least I did not promise to smile! I do not think I could have managed that. Way too much kindness at once for me!
Really the last thing I wanted to do was get involved in a group therapy discussion about my feelings. But here I am waiting … I swear I was a sinner sitting in a church ready to confess my sins before I get burned a the stake. Mrs. Yang did her opening speech since there were new faces to the group.
Before Mrs. Yang was ready to go onto her next item on her agenda, she asked the group if there was anyone else that wanted to share anything with the group. She reminded everyone that this was a place of openness, that is when she looked at me. I am going to take a lucky guess and say that Vera must have talked to her. I looked at the group briefly and thought to myself fine, what do I have to lose with being nice and honest. It is not like I am here to make friends anyways. So I put up my hand and said, why not! Mrs. Yang said excellent … go ahead and share with the group what is on your mind. Inside of me, I had a devilish grin and all I could think of you are going to regret this. Vera should have gone with her first instinct about my intentions. I will keep my words, I will be nice, honest and open. I will tell the truth and nothing but my truth!
I took a deep breath, and I started … “My name is Zita Fox, I am 28 years old born and raised in Canada. I was born with many traits and gifts, being open and warm is not one of them. But I have found out the only way that I am going to get out of this shit hole is to part take in this group discussion. Here I am sitting in this uncomfortable waste of plastic while you all are eyeing me down waiting to hear my story of sadness. Just like every other humanoid on this planet, I am a sack of blood, bones and tissue. Where things differ, I see the other side. Not everything is warm and fuzzy there, some things actually can hurt you and me.” I heard a giggle from my left ear, “Laugh … go ahead! If you can believe in a god, you should be able to believe in the existence of other realms. Just an FYI, no I have never seen a god before. Just a massive messed up system of intertwined bull shit going on. Why am I here? Unlike the rest of you sheep, I do not follow what they want out of me. I refuse to be a brainless slave. Because of that, I am a threat to them.” My eyes were fixated on Mrs. Lang, “You can not help me, no one can! No law protects me from them! You can not scare, control, nor hid from them. I am royally screwed! These two deep gashes in my arm, just a warning of what will happen if I do not do what they want, if I defy them again, it will only get worse.” I showed off the scares that were my lifetime reminder of what happened.
“A never-ending reminder of the events from my apartment to the hospital. Those morons have deemed me a hazard to myself and brought me here. To a new form of hell, which I can not seem to avoid. Yet if they would have just taken the time and looked further into my past file, they would have been able to connect the dots. Then again, the truth can be rate in front of everyone, and a mass majority will still say it can not be true; it has to be this. The wounds themselves are a dead give away. You would have realized that the cut starts from the palm of my dominant right hand, and goes down my arm and stops about two inches before my elbow. On my left arm, the cut starts from the wrist and goes up to my upper arm. If anyone had done their research and read my file, they would have to know that I have been to the hospital for many numerous reasons. Suicide is not being one of them. If they had done their job properly and not made assumptions, as oh so many people do … they would have realized that I did not make these injuries. I have been tormented for as long as I can remember. It does not matter where I go, or how much I try to hide, they find me eventually. It starts off with simple things, things moving … you will tell yourself that you forgot that you had placed it there. You will have nightmares … you will tell yourself that it is something that you have watched on the television or off the internet. Then you will find random bruising on your body … you will think that you bumped into something and forgot that it even happened. Scratches will start showing up on your body … you will trim your nails and say that you have to be more careful. No one believed me, you do not believe me. And that is okay, Soon you will! No one will be safe, they will pick their targets, and they will attack over and over again. You will find bruises, scratches, things being moved, nightmares, and that is just the beginning.”
I heard one person whisper that I was crazy. I just sat there and smiled. This was not something new that I have heard. Until things start to happen, no one will believe me. And even still there are those that will find a rational explanation to explain what is happening. I looked over at Mrs. Yang, she looked pale, almost like she had seen a ghost. That is when one girl spoke out loud and said I did not belong here that I needed to be in an insane asylum and have the key thrown away. Funny how people are so quick to judge, yet they have no knowledge at all of what is going on. I could feel them, hear them, yet I did not know where they would come from. This was not a warm and fuzzy feeling other, Fastriel’s, I was sure of it!
Shifting my eyes from side to side, I started to hunt for the bastards. I got up from my chair and started to head for the door to leave the room. I had taken six steps away from my chair when I hear the chair shift on the floor. I turned my head to see the chair shift again. Around the chair was this black energy, red eyes and several sharp teeth. I saw it move the chair in a forward motion that brought the chair flying in the air at the girl that said I needed to be locked up and have the key thrown away. I could have worn her in advance, I knew what its intent was, but the stare down had begun, I brassed myself for impact. My stance would hopefully make it that I would not land on my backside. This thing charged me and went straight through me. The only thing it said was, “let them know we are coming!”
Let us speed up the time a bit now. It is still the same day. I woke up, nap time was over! It is funny how, when I was a kid, I did not want to go down for a nap. All I wanted to was play. Now, as an adult, all I want are naps!
The spirit of the nurse, from the night before, was looking down at me. She had thanked me for listening to her story and left the room. It took me a bit to clue into what she had been talking about. Then I remembered that I had a dream about this lady leaving work. She was tired after a long day and just wanted to get to her bus stop on time. She remembered that she had her earbuds on. She looked briefly at the lights, took a step forward while she was looking at her phone. What she did not realize was it was not her turn to cross the street. She had walked into a moving vehicle and a couple days later succumbed to her injuries.
In the beginning, she wanted to blame the person that was driving for not paying attention to the surroundings. Then over time, she realized that she was the one that caused the accident. It was not the driver at fault. If she had been paying attention, she would have realized that it was the lights to her right that she saw that was green. The lights ahead of her were red, and she did not have the right away. The pain that she caused her family and friends stop her from moving on and excepting what had happened.
I lied there gazing at the ceiling pondering on what I had dreamt. I could still feel the pain and anger that she has. I really did not know what to say to make the situation any better. Really I do not think that much could be said to ease any emotional pain. With time things will get better, you learn to live with what happened and accept the accident as that, a tragedy.
After that had escaped my mind, I realized how badly I had to go to the washroom. A little voice in my head was telling me that I should not get up, but my bladder took overall common sense, and I moved to get to the washroom. In the process of getting up, I blacked out! I was able to gain control, so I would not go completely to the floor. What an unpleasant feeling that was!